Maybe later

I'm just having a tough time today. I've just finished working 3 might shifts at a children's hospital. When I'm working, I just do it. You get through the night, give medicines and meet their needs. Now that it is Sunday and I actually sit down and study for our test on End of Life care, I find that I can't quit crying. The kids I take care of are so awesome. Their families are awesome. I can't even believe how awesome they are. Mostly, there are kids that will get better. But, Fri. night, I had TWO girls with ovarian cancer. One was picking out prom dresses on-line. I'm so sad, I can't even explain it.
Then, I get sad about my mother-in-law who died in 2006, less than a month after her 50th birthday. That Easter, Violet's first, she bought Vi this dancing duck dressed up as the Easter Bunny. She watched Violet hunt for eggs. It was a happy day. This is the first time I have grieved for her. I guess it is hitting home because Violet is 3 and would have such a good time with her Birdie. I wish she knew Birdie. I wish Birdie knew Violet. I wish she knew that I am going to be a nurse! I wish I could call her and chat about nursing and share that bond together. I wish that she didn't have to die of cancer. I'm so sad and I wish I could have taken better care of her. I wish we could have talked, but she is so strong, that she remained in denial the whole time. She never did open up about dying. I wish she would have left me with a story for Violet or words of wisdom...something. I wish she could have been at peace enough to talk. I miss that. But, that is something you can't force. Cancer is not a good way to go. I'm sorry about her suffering. I'm sorry about her pain and shortness of air. I can't imagine the anxiety it would cause to not be able to breathe. Her death haunts me a bit. I guess I have romantic visions of holding hands and heart to heart talks. For the whole 6 weeks she was with us, that didn't happen. Instead, she watched cable TV, reruns of Saved by the Bell. It hurts. That painful, existential hurt. Excruciating. It's so complex. Anyway, I should have done more for her...but I guess I did the best that I could at the time, with a 14 mo. old toddler around. I do wish I had bathed her everyday, but she refused help. She'd always say, "Mabye later." Do you want to go outside? Do you want me to give you a bath? Do you want me to wash your hair? "Maybe later." Later never came. I wish I would have done a handprint of Dawn and Violet. That would be something to treasure. We just didn't do anything or talk about anything that might imply that she would die. Even at the very end, she NEVER talked about dying. I think she opened up to Pam. I guess as the wife of her only child and the mother of her only grandaughter, I wish she would have said something to me. I'll have to show Violet the video of her today. Violet often asks, "Did I hug and kiss Birdie before she died?" and I say "Yes." One day Violet said that when she gets big she'll make Birdie better and go dig her up and bring her back.
And of couse, at Easter, my heart breaks for Guinever. Little Abby died four years ago on March 22nd. There aren't even any words for that. None.
I'm also missing Beth Broderson. She didn't know I was going to become a nurse either. She'd be so proud and excited. She'd do a happy dance. I wish I had her to talk to. I wish I could tell her I got a job as an L&D nurse. I wish I could take her a Raspberry-chocolate milk shake from Graters. I wish I could tell her how awesome Bridget had her VBAC. I wish she could see Violet and meet my boys when they get here. I'm thinking of Scott today. I loved Beth's voice. I loved her spirit.
So, here I am, contemplating the finality of life....hopeing to make use of my short time on this planet. Thinking of all the families at the Children's Hospital today. Feeling sad for those who are gone. Feeling sad for those who are still here and greiving.