Maybe later

I'm just having a tough time today. I've just finished working 3 might shifts at a children's hospital. When I'm working, I just do it. You get through the night, give medicines and meet their needs. Now that it is Sunday and I actually sit down and study for our test on End of Life care, I find that I can't quit crying. The kids I take care of are so awesome. Their families are awesome. I can't even believe how awesome they are. Mostly, there are kids that will get better. But, Fri. night, I had TWO girls with ovarian cancer. One was picking out prom dresses on-line. I'm so sad, I can't even explain it.
Then, I get sad about my mother-in-law who died in 2006, less than a month after her 50th birthday. That Easter, Violet's first, she bought Vi this dancing duck dressed up as the Easter Bunny. She watched Violet hunt for eggs. It was a happy day. This is the first time I have grieved for her. I guess it is hitting home because Violet is 3 and would have such a good time with her Birdie. I wish she knew Birdie. I wish Birdie knew Violet. I wish she knew that I am going to be a nurse! I wish I could call her and chat about nursing and share that bond together. I wish that she didn't have to die of cancer. I'm so sad and I wish I could have taken better care of her. I wish we could have talked, but she is so strong, that she remained in denial the whole time. She never did open up about dying. I wish she would have left me with a story for Violet or words of wisdom...something. I wish she could have been at peace enough to talk. I miss that. But, that is something you can't force. Cancer is not a good way to go. I'm sorry about her suffering. I'm sorry about her pain and shortness of air. I can't imagine the anxiety it would cause to not be able to breathe. Her death haunts me a bit. I guess I have romantic visions of holding hands and heart to heart talks. For the whole 6 weeks she was with us, that didn't happen. Instead, she watched cable TV, reruns of Saved by the Bell. It hurts. That painful, existential hurt. Excruciating. It's so complex. Anyway, I should have done more for her...but I guess I did the best that I could at the time, with a 14 mo. old toddler around. I do wish I had bathed her everyday, but she refused help. She'd always say, "Mabye later." Do you want to go outside? Do you want me to give you a bath? Do you want me to wash your hair? "Maybe later." Later never came. I wish I would have done a handprint of Dawn and Violet. That would be something to treasure. We just didn't do anything or talk about anything that might imply that she would die. Even at the very end, she NEVER talked about dying. I think she opened up to Pam. I guess as the wife of her only child and the mother of her only grandaughter, I wish she would have said something to me. I'll have to show Violet the video of her today. Violet often asks, "Did I hug and kiss Birdie before she died?" and I say "Yes." One day Violet said that when she gets big she'll make Birdie better and go dig her up and bring her back.
And of couse, at Easter, my heart breaks for Guinever. Little Abby died four years ago on March 22nd. There aren't even any words for that. None.
I'm also missing Beth Broderson. She didn't know I was going to become a nurse either. She'd be so proud and excited. She'd do a happy dance. I wish I had her to talk to. I wish I could tell her I got a job as an L&D nurse. I wish I could take her a Raspberry-chocolate milk shake from Graters. I wish I could tell her how awesome Bridget had her VBAC. I wish she could see Violet and meet my boys when they get here. I'm thinking of Scott today. I loved Beth's voice. I loved her spirit.
So, here I am, contemplating the finality of life....hopeing to make use of my short time on this planet. Thinking of all the families at the Children's Hospital today. Feeling sad for those who are gone. Feeling sad for those who are still here and greiving.

Stevie and Barack

Barack Obama awarded Stevie Wonder with a lifetime achievement award. Michelle said that
"You and I" was their wedding song. It was our wedding song too! It is what we walked in to.
So go Stevie and go Barack. We love you both!

express train

I am ready to get off this express train and take a nice leisurely stroll. Busy days. Carting my kid around and dropping her off with different people. Eating protien bars and canned soup on the go. Violet is so sweet and I miss her. John is working 14 hour days for 2 weeks straight. I miss him. School is a lot. I'm almost finished. Can't wait! I want to play with Violet!

Spoiled?

I was thinking today about how I would just love my own room....my own space. Violet has her room, the boys have their room, John has his studio. I guess I have a quasi office back here in the laundry room. However, John uses it too, it is communal space...not to mention, the washer and dryer are in here. And, when John gets up to go to work, he grabs his breakfast and comes in here and checks his email. There are usually dirty dishes greeting me when I get back here. And, like today, some food substance that is all sticky on my mouse and computer keys. Ahhhh....a space of my very own. Where if anything was out of place, it would be me who did it! I saw in a book about small homes this awesome room. It was like a pull down attic. It was tiny. You could only sit in it. That is what I want, a pull down secret set of steps to my sacred space. I want a small window and a small alter. I want to ring a bell, light a candle and just sit up there...all by myself! Just me myself and I taking deep breaths. SOMEDAY! Maybe I could even build it myself. Hmmmm.....

Back to School....of guilt!

Tonight I was checking my school email. Violet said, "what are you doing?"
I said, "working on school stuff. I have to go back to school on Tuesday."
Violet started crying and said, "I'm not looking forward to that."
I pulled her up into my lap, hugged her and said, "Neither am I. Neither am I."
And we both cried.

Where's my shuffle

So tonight, I thought I'd FINALLY load up my shuffle and get some songs on there I love. Well, I sat down to do it, and I can't find it. I keep it in my desk drawer. For the last couple of days, it has been on my desk top. It has vanished. I immediately want to blame John, but then I remember that we live with a 3 year old.
"Violet, have you seen my tiny little iPod....my shuffle?" I ask her as I motion the size of it.
"No," she says.
"You know, my tiny little iPod?"
"Oohhhh, yeah. The tiny little iPod."
"Yes!!!! Have you seen it? Were you playing with it?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where it is now?"
"No."
"Just close your eyes and picture yourself playing with it. You were in my office, you held the little tiny, iPod in your hands...you were looking at it and then you..........did what with it?"
"I don't know."
"Did you.....take it in my room?"
"No."
"Did you.....take it to your room?"
"No."
"Try to close your eyes and think.....where did you put it?"
"Ohhh!!! Ohhh!!! I know. I put it in something."
"OK, good. What did you put it in?"
"I don't remember."
"In your room?" No. "In your purses?" No. "In your picnic basket?" No. "In your drawers?" No.
"If you find the iPod, you can sleep with me tonight." That's how I know she really didn't know where it was. She usually has an excellent memory about where she puts things and leads me right to them. That makes me think it's possible that she didn't even have my shuffle to begin with. Exhibit A for why children should not be witnesses! She wanted to help me, so she started making up stuff.
Anyway, I'm shuffleless. BTW- I got that shuffle from John in an interesting way. One day, he wanted to take a nap. It's pretty much futile to get Violet down for a nap. I wanted to take a nap too. However, being as we are parents, one of us must be supervising our child at all times. John said, "I'll give you a million dollars if I can take a nap right now." I said, "I'll give you 2 hours if you give me a shuffle." "Deal." And the rest is history. It's too bad I've lost the dang thing now.
It may turn up someday when I'm purging my files, or when we move and take out the washer and dryer, or maybe it's already wrapped up in a kleenex and heading for the landfill as we speak. It's pretty much useless to look for it. It's bound to be in some random place that I could never guess. I'll keep you posted if it turns up. Until then, I'll just keep singing 80's hits to myself.

Yeah for Breaks

I am obsessed with productivity and, today has been no exceptions. I have gotten tons of stuff done all the while, enjoying myself. If you had to choose an obsession, don't you think productivity is a good one? In fact, the government should subsidise it. They should write me a check for working, going to school, parenting, and not going into debt. John and I had our "budget meeting" this morning....it goes something like this. It costs us $40,000 to pay the bills. We ALMOST make that...and we are getting two more kids...hmmm. The math doesn't quite work. Hmm...what can we sell? My violin? John's music equipment? Naaa. We just have to hang in there until May. At that point, I'm going to clone myself and work 40 hours a week as a nurse, 40 hrs a week on my Masters and 40 hrs a week with my 3 kids. Seriously, that is the best plan we could come up with. In the mean time, rice and beans it is! It's kind of fun to be frugal. As granddaddy taught me, "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."
John built Violet an awesome stage for Christmas. She loves it and is doing all kinds of shows. I have so fun the past few days with her. It's so great not being in school! We play house, bank, shows, kickball, school, art class, all kinds of stuff. I found an old kitchen set in someone's trash this summer. Today, I cleaned it up and spray painted it. It's so cute, now her play house has a kitchen! We had tea, coffee and chocolate in her kitchen and chatted today. She said that she was crying because her husband was going to New York. (Really she was crying because she couldn't have all of my chocolate.
Today I: budget 2009, did laundry, did expenses for taxes for '08, read 42 unread emails since Nov 2nd (oops), mailed some belated Christmas cards, danced to an entire Earth, Wind and Fire album with Violet, called my old friend and caught up, cut Violet's hair, took her to a friend's house to play, raked some leaves, swept the floor, went on a walk with Violet and her new pram, ate dinner and lunch with John, Danny, and Violet, took a shower, blogged, and it's only 8:45! Just think of what I could do if there were two of me!