Back to School....of guilt!

Tonight I was checking my school email. Violet said, "what are you doing?"
I said, "working on school stuff. I have to go back to school on Tuesday."
Violet started crying and said, "I'm not looking forward to that."
I pulled her up into my lap, hugged her and said, "Neither am I. Neither am I."
And we both cried.

Where's my shuffle

So tonight, I thought I'd FINALLY load up my shuffle and get some songs on there I love. Well, I sat down to do it, and I can't find it. I keep it in my desk drawer. For the last couple of days, it has been on my desk top. It has vanished. I immediately want to blame John, but then I remember that we live with a 3 year old.
"Violet, have you seen my tiny little iPod....my shuffle?" I ask her as I motion the size of it.
"No," she says.
"You know, my tiny little iPod?"
"Oohhhh, yeah. The tiny little iPod."
"Yes!!!! Have you seen it? Were you playing with it?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where it is now?"
"No."
"Just close your eyes and picture yourself playing with it. You were in my office, you held the little tiny, iPod in your hands...you were looking at it and then you..........did what with it?"
"I don't know."
"Did you.....take it in my room?"
"No."
"Did you.....take it to your room?"
"No."
"Try to close your eyes and think.....where did you put it?"
"Ohhh!!! Ohhh!!! I know. I put it in something."
"OK, good. What did you put it in?"
"I don't remember."
"In your room?" No. "In your purses?" No. "In your picnic basket?" No. "In your drawers?" No.
"If you find the iPod, you can sleep with me tonight." That's how I know she really didn't know where it was. She usually has an excellent memory about where she puts things and leads me right to them. That makes me think it's possible that she didn't even have my shuffle to begin with. Exhibit A for why children should not be witnesses! She wanted to help me, so she started making up stuff.
Anyway, I'm shuffleless. BTW- I got that shuffle from John in an interesting way. One day, he wanted to take a nap. It's pretty much futile to get Violet down for a nap. I wanted to take a nap too. However, being as we are parents, one of us must be supervising our child at all times. John said, "I'll give you a million dollars if I can take a nap right now." I said, "I'll give you 2 hours if you give me a shuffle." "Deal." And the rest is history. It's too bad I've lost the dang thing now.
It may turn up someday when I'm purging my files, or when we move and take out the washer and dryer, or maybe it's already wrapped up in a kleenex and heading for the landfill as we speak. It's pretty much useless to look for it. It's bound to be in some random place that I could never guess. I'll keep you posted if it turns up. Until then, I'll just keep singing 80's hits to myself.

Yeah for Breaks

I am obsessed with productivity and, today has been no exceptions. I have gotten tons of stuff done all the while, enjoying myself. If you had to choose an obsession, don't you think productivity is a good one? In fact, the government should subsidise it. They should write me a check for working, going to school, parenting, and not going into debt. John and I had our "budget meeting" this morning....it goes something like this. It costs us $40,000 to pay the bills. We ALMOST make that...and we are getting two more kids...hmmm. The math doesn't quite work. Hmm...what can we sell? My violin? John's music equipment? Naaa. We just have to hang in there until May. At that point, I'm going to clone myself and work 40 hours a week as a nurse, 40 hrs a week on my Masters and 40 hrs a week with my 3 kids. Seriously, that is the best plan we could come up with. In the mean time, rice and beans it is! It's kind of fun to be frugal. As granddaddy taught me, "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."
John built Violet an awesome stage for Christmas. She loves it and is doing all kinds of shows. I have so fun the past few days with her. It's so great not being in school! We play house, bank, shows, kickball, school, art class, all kinds of stuff. I found an old kitchen set in someone's trash this summer. Today, I cleaned it up and spray painted it. It's so cute, now her play house has a kitchen! We had tea, coffee and chocolate in her kitchen and chatted today. She said that she was crying because her husband was going to New York. (Really she was crying because she couldn't have all of my chocolate.
Today I: budget 2009, did laundry, did expenses for taxes for '08, read 42 unread emails since Nov 2nd (oops), mailed some belated Christmas cards, danced to an entire Earth, Wind and Fire album with Violet, called my old friend and caught up, cut Violet's hair, took her to a friend's house to play, raked some leaves, swept the floor, went on a walk with Violet and her new pram, ate dinner and lunch with John, Danny, and Violet, took a shower, blogged, and it's only 8:45! Just think of what I could do if there were two of me!

Tiny treasures!

As a massage therapist, I do my own linens. I love getting my table ready and finding tiny
underwear and tiny socks stuck to my flannel sheets. It's so sweet!

Sunday night blues

Sunday night...feeling sad. Violet is spending the night with Moogie. Again, school, massage, on-line class, and HypnoBirthing class take up a lot of my time. I feel that I put Violet off a lot so that I can "get stuff done." I wish I had her in my bed right now to snuggle up with. I love her.

We are going to Haiti on Dec. 11th. I wonder what it will be like to see my boys again. I wonder when they will get here?

Time to go to sleep and start week 9 of nursing school in the morning! Only 6 more weeks! I can do it. Graduation day is going to be such a wonderful day! Ahhh...the feeling of relief.

The weekends always make me want another day. I realize that I didn't study enough and I didn't play enough. I especially didn't relax...really at all. When else am I going to clean...etc. Anyway, I need to play with my kid more.

Feeling good

I'm just feeling so great. I love that Violet is in pre-school. She loves it. I love my nursing school schedule. It feels MUCH more laid-back than last year. I LOVE my house. I just love it! I've been going to town in the garden. Mark, across the street, gave me all of Miss Bibb's peonies. I've made a beautiful new peony garden that is going to be just gorgeous in the spring! John is wonderful and awesome and cooks all my delicious food. He helps me relax. He's just a dream.
Violet is too cute and says fantastic things. I'm just really happy right now and most of the time!

Guilty Mom Syndrome

sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like I've put Violet off all day. It's like I wake up and figure out what I can get done with her around and then I feel frustrated with what I'm not able to do. There are lots of things you can't do with a 3 year old around. ie work, study, go to school, sleep, etc.
I work at Baby Moon 10 hours a week (4 massages and teaching HypnoBirthing). I'm in summer school right now. Medical Micro Biology. That's 15 hours a week plus 5 hours for studying. So, I'm looking at 30 hours a week.
I have to have someone watch Violet while I'm in school, while I work and while I study. Meanwhile, I'd LOVE someone to watch Violet so I can clean the house, take a nap, read Da book, go to a movie with John, go for a jog, have lunch with a friend, garden, stare at the wall. Then I feel guilty because I know I should be enjoying every second of this time because she won't be 3 forever. But, sometimes when I'm with her, I feel like I'm "killing time" until I get to do one of the afore mentioned things. That's awful of me! Granted...Violet and I have fun a lot of time. But, I feel like I discipline her all the time. "Don't run in the street. Put some clothes on. Pick up your dress up clothes and put them in the trunk. Don't answer the phone. It's time to go to sleep. Brush your teeth. We have to brush your teeth or we don't get to go swimming tomorrow. No, you can't have that Popsicle for breakfast. Did you wipe your butt? Don't putt that much toilet paper in the toilet. 5 more minutes and then... Come back here. Don't do that. Quit bossing me around. Be nice to the dogs. Don't pour your water into your oatmeal." You get the idea. It's constant. Oh, and "get in your car seat." She loves to get in the car and then dive down onto the floor board so I have to wrestle her into the car seat.

I'M TIRED!! While I'm on a roll, I feel like I only want to ask people to watch Violet while I'm doing the things I HAVE to do. Massaging people is hard work. Everyday, I think, "Oh, I wish I were getting a massage." And then I massage two people back to back. And, it's not like I'm clicking my heels as I skip off to medical micro class. There are a billion things I'd rather be doing than memorizing the life cycles of fungi. I even dreamed about conidiospores the other night! So, when I pick Violet up and thank Mom profusely for watching her, I still feel like I haven't had Kendra time. But, I know that will change in time. And, It's going to get worse before it gets better with 3 kids! Yowsers!

Tonight Violet is spending the night with Mom while John is on tour. I have my feet soaking in a hot bucket of water and I plan on staying up until midnight studying. I just thought it was high time I started a journal on motherhood. Now, this 3rd year is better than all the others. At least I weaned Violet. That sucked the life blood out of me. And, I can't complain now, I'm sleeping through the night!!! I waited 3 years for that!

More later....I have to eat my bon bons now. Oh, wait, I meant memorize the effectiveness of different antiseptics on microbes. Oy Vey!