Guilty Mom Syndrome

sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel like I've put Violet off all day. It's like I wake up and figure out what I can get done with her around and then I feel frustrated with what I'm not able to do. There are lots of things you can't do with a 3 year old around. ie work, study, go to school, sleep, etc.
I work at Baby Moon 10 hours a week (4 massages and teaching HypnoBirthing). I'm in summer school right now. Medical Micro Biology. That's 15 hours a week plus 5 hours for studying. So, I'm looking at 30 hours a week.
I have to have someone watch Violet while I'm in school, while I work and while I study. Meanwhile, I'd LOVE someone to watch Violet so I can clean the house, take a nap, read Da book, go to a movie with John, go for a jog, have lunch with a friend, garden, stare at the wall. Then I feel guilty because I know I should be enjoying every second of this time because she won't be 3 forever. But, sometimes when I'm with her, I feel like I'm "killing time" until I get to do one of the afore mentioned things. That's awful of me! Granted...Violet and I have fun a lot of time. But, I feel like I discipline her all the time. "Don't run in the street. Put some clothes on. Pick up your dress up clothes and put them in the trunk. Don't answer the phone. It's time to go to sleep. Brush your teeth. We have to brush your teeth or we don't get to go swimming tomorrow. No, you can't have that Popsicle for breakfast. Did you wipe your butt? Don't putt that much toilet paper in the toilet. 5 more minutes and then... Come back here. Don't do that. Quit bossing me around. Be nice to the dogs. Don't pour your water into your oatmeal." You get the idea. It's constant. Oh, and "get in your car seat." She loves to get in the car and then dive down onto the floor board so I have to wrestle her into the car seat.

I'M TIRED!! While I'm on a roll, I feel like I only want to ask people to watch Violet while I'm doing the things I HAVE to do. Massaging people is hard work. Everyday, I think, "Oh, I wish I were getting a massage." And then I massage two people back to back. And, it's not like I'm clicking my heels as I skip off to medical micro class. There are a billion things I'd rather be doing than memorizing the life cycles of fungi. I even dreamed about conidiospores the other night! So, when I pick Violet up and thank Mom profusely for watching her, I still feel like I haven't had Kendra time. But, I know that will change in time. And, It's going to get worse before it gets better with 3 kids! Yowsers!

Tonight Violet is spending the night with Mom while John is on tour. I have my feet soaking in a hot bucket of water and I plan on staying up until midnight studying. I just thought it was high time I started a journal on motherhood. Now, this 3rd year is better than all the others. At least I weaned Violet. That sucked the life blood out of me. And, I can't complain now, I'm sleeping through the night!!! I waited 3 years for that!

More later....I have to eat my bon bons now. Oh, wait, I meant memorize the effectiveness of different antiseptics on microbes. Oy Vey!