mother of 3

I love my kids so much that I don't ever want to go to work....EVER.
Seriously. I am so spoiled. I just want to do my school work, hang out with kids and keep my house a LITTLE neater.

I can't imagine a time when, on my death bed, I would regret any time spent with the kids. IN fact, I probably will regret the time I spent at work not rocking my kids to sleep. I can work when I retire! I wish you could retire first, when your kids are really little. Then, when they go to college, you could crank up the working again.

I miss them. I miss them so much. I've cried more in the last year than I have in the last 10. I can just look at my kids and I tear up. How can you just have your heart walking around? I want to sit and read to them and play and do "school", etc. Instead, I'm grouchy. But, I wont' dwell on that. Today was a good day and I spent the better half of it just being with my kids. I hope to do that again tomorrow. They are so freakin' awesome. And I love it when Violet starts telling a story and runs out of breath and has to take a DEEP breath in and keep going. It hurts it's so cute. Erickson is coming along with his English. He is a little jibber jabber too. I just can't wait until he is fluent! Love, just says "LOOK!" about 50 million times a day. He's just putzing around doing his own thing.

waiting

As I read, Oh the Places You'll Go to Violet tonight, I realized that I am a waiter...

Waiting for the boys to get here...
Waiting for my paycheck...
Waiting for this paper or that test to be over...
Waiting for spring....
waiting to get a NEW car....
waiting for Love to be potty trained...
waiting for E to speak English...
waiting to not have to be a nurse anymore...
waiting to go work at the birth center in Denver....
waiting to sleep....
waiting to have an un-interrupted conversation with my husband
waiting to find time to finish my taxes....

I am REALLY sucking at being in the present moment!!!

This is obviously my life lesson. I'll probably live really long, because I'm not even close to practicing mindfullness. I'm too busy planning what mountains I will move.... I have so many plans and so much energy. I want to do so much. I'm interested in enough to keep me busy for 50 lifetimes.
In one life, I'd love to be Jane Goodall like. In one, I'd be an artist, in one, I'd be married to a rich doctor, in one, I'd be a rich doctor, in one life, I'd be a hospice nurse, in one life, I'd be a midwife (oh wait, that's this one), in another life, I'd be a master gardener, in one life, I'd be Hawaiian, in another, I'd work in a lab. I'd love to have big boobs in one of those lives. That would be fun. I'd definitely have to be a bad-ass in one life. It would also be fun to enjoy cooking in one life. In one life, I'd be a linguist and be fluent in at least 4 languages. I'd definitely like to be a photo-journalist (not a photographer like propping up kids with small fuzzy animals). In one life, I'd love to be one of those people that feels fine on 5 hours of sleep a night. I'd love to be Irish. I'd also like to be a man in one of those lives. It would also be fun to be an incredible athlete.... SO MANY COOL THINGS IN THIS FREAKIN' WORLD.

I'll be really sad when I die because I'm pretty sure I won't be done living yet.

My house husband

I LOVE working. We are so busy everyday. Today, I didn't even sit down for lunch until 3:30. The days go by so fast. LOVE IT!!! John is officially retired and home with Violet. I love it. He's so great at staying home. He cleans, plays with her and makes my meals. I never was able to pull that off when I was home with Violet. It's the best of both worlds. It really is fantastic. Violet is constantly being stimulated, disciplined by a loving parent, and loving life. How long can we do this attachment parenting thing? In our 8.5 years of marriage, this has been the best combination. I work, John at home. Now we just need to get the boys home!

Work

Wow...working in a hospital is like living in another country. I've got to learn the ins and outs of the culture. What is acceptable, what is not. Who I can trust, who I can't. I'm still amazed how some human beings treat other human beings. It's been a bit disappointing.

On the other side, I love helping clients.

Maybe later

I'm just having a tough time today. I've just finished working 3 might shifts at a children's hospital. When I'm working, I just do it. You get through the night, give medicines and meet their needs. Now that it is Sunday and I actually sit down and study for our test on End of Life care, I find that I can't quit crying. The kids I take care of are so awesome. Their families are awesome. I can't even believe how awesome they are. Mostly, there are kids that will get better. But, Fri. night, I had TWO girls with ovarian cancer. One was picking out prom dresses on-line. I'm so sad, I can't even explain it.
Then, I get sad about my mother-in-law who died in 2006, less than a month after her 50th birthday. That Easter, Violet's first, she bought Vi this dancing duck dressed up as the Easter Bunny. She watched Violet hunt for eggs. It was a happy day. This is the first time I have grieved for her. I guess it is hitting home because Violet is 3 and would have such a good time with her Birdie. I wish she knew Birdie. I wish Birdie knew Violet. I wish she knew that I am going to be a nurse! I wish I could call her and chat about nursing and share that bond together. I wish that she didn't have to die of cancer. I'm so sad and I wish I could have taken better care of her. I wish we could have talked, but she is so strong, that she remained in denial the whole time. She never did open up about dying. I wish she would have left me with a story for Violet or words of wisdom...something. I wish she could have been at peace enough to talk. I miss that. But, that is something you can't force. Cancer is not a good way to go. I'm sorry about her suffering. I'm sorry about her pain and shortness of air. I can't imagine the anxiety it would cause to not be able to breathe. Her death haunts me a bit. I guess I have romantic visions of holding hands and heart to heart talks. For the whole 6 weeks she was with us, that didn't happen. Instead, she watched cable TV, reruns of Saved by the Bell. It hurts. That painful, existential hurt. Excruciating. It's so complex. Anyway, I should have done more for her...but I guess I did the best that I could at the time, with a 14 mo. old toddler around. I do wish I had bathed her everyday, but she refused help. She'd always say, "Mabye later." Do you want to go outside? Do you want me to give you a bath? Do you want me to wash your hair? "Maybe later." Later never came. I wish I would have done a handprint of Dawn and Violet. That would be something to treasure. We just didn't do anything or talk about anything that might imply that she would die. Even at the very end, she NEVER talked about dying. I think she opened up to Pam. I guess as the wife of her only child and the mother of her only grandaughter, I wish she would have said something to me. I'll have to show Violet the video of her today. Violet often asks, "Did I hug and kiss Birdie before she died?" and I say "Yes." One day Violet said that when she gets big she'll make Birdie better and go dig her up and bring her back.
And of couse, at Easter, my heart breaks for Guinever. Little Abby died four years ago on March 22nd. There aren't even any words for that. None.
I'm also missing Beth Broderson. She didn't know I was going to become a nurse either. She'd be so proud and excited. She'd do a happy dance. I wish I had her to talk to. I wish I could tell her I got a job as an L&D nurse. I wish I could take her a Raspberry-chocolate milk shake from Graters. I wish I could tell her how awesome Bridget had her VBAC. I wish she could see Violet and meet my boys when they get here. I'm thinking of Scott today. I loved Beth's voice. I loved her spirit.
So, here I am, contemplating the finality of life....hopeing to make use of my short time on this planet. Thinking of all the families at the Children's Hospital today. Feeling sad for those who are gone. Feeling sad for those who are still here and greiving.

Stevie and Barack

Barack Obama awarded Stevie Wonder with a lifetime achievement award. Michelle said that
"You and I" was their wedding song. It was our wedding song too! It is what we walked in to.
So go Stevie and go Barack. We love you both!

express train

I am ready to get off this express train and take a nice leisurely stroll. Busy days. Carting my kid around and dropping her off with different people. Eating protien bars and canned soup on the go. Violet is so sweet and I miss her. John is working 14 hour days for 2 weeks straight. I miss him. School is a lot. I'm almost finished. Can't wait! I want to play with Violet!